Honestly. I'm thinking of applying for a work visa and coming over here for six months to clean house. The plan is to work for the Indian Government, what tattered remnant of that inept institution remains. I will apply for a position as an English translator. My sole responsibility will be to correct traffic and business signs. Our very favorite sign so far is "Tolet". We thought it meant "toilet" for DAYS. Then we realized there is no such thing as a public toilet. We were stumped. AHA. A light bulb went on (in Mike's head, I must confess). If a space is inserted between To and let, what do you get?
YES, my friends! There is a flat TO LET. Translation: Apartment for rent.
One thing the Indians have a great deal of confidence in is their ability to speak, read, and write English. I must sadly inform you that their confidence is ill advised. Adjectives, verb tense, adverbs, indeedy, even subjects, can appear anywhere at any time in oral conversation. "I be most pleesed to inform you Madam that your failure to understand a single word an "English Speaking Indian" is saying to you is undoubtedly YOUR fault because you are a not smartest person".
Forget trying to read anything an Indian writes. Here's the best part about the entire charade. Indians are blissfully unaware of their language limitations. They become highly offended when our eyes glaze over and we tentatively ask for a translation of the OBVIOUS written transaction. We have dozens of business transaction notices that are written in such a way that we may or may not have spent 60 rupees or 60,000 rupees at Shankar Ram's House of Physic Pleasures. Who knows? What fun it's going to be when we return home and get our Visa card bill. What we were charged for versus what we actually bought will most certainly be endlessly entertaining. We probably went to many exotic and exciting places we can't remember having ever visited.
So. Remember! WHEAR your seatbelts. and HELLMETS Save LIFES. We certainly can't fault India for its creativity. Could someone please send us an English Dictionary? We are forgotten our own selfs how to spoke the English Tong.
YES, my friends! There is a flat TO LET. Translation: Apartment for rent.
One thing the Indians have a great deal of confidence in is their ability to speak, read, and write English. I must sadly inform you that their confidence is ill advised. Adjectives, verb tense, adverbs, indeedy, even subjects, can appear anywhere at any time in oral conversation. "I be most pleesed to inform you Madam that your failure to understand a single word an "English Speaking Indian" is saying to you is undoubtedly YOUR fault because you are a not smartest person".
Forget trying to read anything an Indian writes. Here's the best part about the entire charade. Indians are blissfully unaware of their language limitations. They become highly offended when our eyes glaze over and we tentatively ask for a translation of the OBVIOUS written transaction. We have dozens of business transaction notices that are written in such a way that we may or may not have spent 60 rupees or 60,000 rupees at Shankar Ram's House of Physic Pleasures. Who knows? What fun it's going to be when we return home and get our Visa card bill. What we were charged for versus what we actually bought will most certainly be endlessly entertaining. We probably went to many exotic and exciting places we can't remember having ever visited.
So. Remember! WHEAR your seatbelts. and HELLMETS Save LIFES. We certainly can't fault India for its creativity. Could someone please send us an English Dictionary? We are forgotten our own selfs how to spoke the English Tong.
Be safe and hurry home.
ReplyDeleteHellmets. Still giggling a little. Sounds like the wrong kind of near-death experience!
ReplyDeleteI guess their only comeback, if they were to learn just how silly their Engrish sounds would be to ask "Do you know Indian?" (by the way, what do they call their language? Indian? Hindu? Hindi? I refuse to google it because I don't care!!!) This phenomenon seems pretty common in Japan, China, Korea and other Asian countries as well. Now you're asking what my point is, and I can't think of a single reason why I'm saying all this haha. Good night. Hurry home.
ReplyDeleteBethany - In India, you would fit right in. Having no point at all is the point. The official language in Tamil Nadu is called Tamil. I have grown to detest the sound of that language with every fiber of my being.
DeleteThat would drive me insane in very short order. Forget humanitarian aid-- what India needs is an emergency shipment of SPAM (that's Spelling, Punctuation, And Mechanics).
ReplyDeleteOh yes, Tamil. Now I remember from my husband's job at Little Calcutta. He said it was a very ugly language. And this from a guy who loves languages and has studied Spanish, French, Italian, Japanese, German and Russian in his spare time over the last 30+ years. Your experiences and his have soured me on ever wanting to get to know any Indians, Depak Chopra notwithstanding. ;0)
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, many Americans can't read or write English very well either. At least in India they have an excuse. Love you guys!
ReplyDeleteAgreed. But you and I are 'in the business' and we're grammar snobs. Love you right back!
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