My “Stuck in the Middle of Nowhere in India Rapid Weight Loss Plan” Rough Outline:
1. Throw ALL of your food away and buy a 25-pound bag of red rice.
2. Turn off your hot water to your kitchen and wash all of your dishes in cold water with a two-year old Brillo pad. Grease all horizontal surfaces with spilled food and milk. Use your imagination here. Let your spirit soar.
3. Eat on your roof while swatting foreign insects with one hand and scratching bug bites with the other. This also fulfills a vital exercise requirement in the Weight Loss Plan.
4. Have someone else cook your rice for you, preferably in large, unwashed cooking pots with a liberal sprinkling of flies, gnats, ants, and other unidentifiable ‘landing’ objects.
5. Watch your dinner partner suddenly become ill and throw up in the sink you are supposed to be washing dishes in.
6. Watch your other dinner partner eat his rice and some unidentifiable extremely spicy sauce filled with the chicken bones of the chicken you just saw yesterday strutting past your door. Watch him eat this with his hands.
7. Get your drinking water from the tap outside. This will be another great way to get some exercise.
I’m still working on this basic outline. It will most certainly expand to include other helpful hints. Let me know what you think. All proceeds from the sale of this book will go toward buying a can of bug and ant spray.
One thing that seems laughable now, after reading this: anti-biotic soaps and "wipes." What are we Americans thinking, trying to tamper with the germ community like that? Also I've been eating red rice for years (although I always thought it was grown in California) but now I'll never look at it without thinking of throwing up in the sink. Oh Ye of Cast Iron Stomach, hang in there! ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou know what is sad...I have been trying to diet for long that I actually thought maybe I should try this diet....how sad!!!!! diane
ReplyDeleteMy students liked this post and are trying to visualize what your food is like. They asked if we could get red rice here in America. I will check on that as we probably can.
ReplyDeleteQuestions...
Why do you put bugs in the food?
(I think they missed the concept here, I explained that the bugs fly in or crawl in on their own. This is a foreign concept to them as we don't deal with lots of bugs here, due to our climate.)
Have you seen a monkey yet?
Have you seen a wild tiger?
Have you gone a boat in the water and seen cool animals?
How will you feed your cats?
1. I have yet to see a monkey, but I hear them. Monkeys can be very mean, especially if they feel threatened in any way. They can also carry serious diseases, so we can't play with them or pet them or feed them.
ReplyDelete2. Bugs like my food better than I do, so they help me out with cleaning my plate.
3. Tigers are nocturnal. They are also very shy and stay away from people as much as possible. Unless they're hungry.
4. I have not been on a boat. There are no large rivers in the area I am living in. However, a large Cyclone blew through the day before I arrived. It knocked down trees and left standing water everywhere. The poisonous snakes living in the fields did not like that very much, so they started moving toward higher, dryer ground. For several days, we could not go outside, even on the paths to school, without a partner. Some of the snakes in India are VERY poisonous. Look up "Crait Snake" and you'll see. Here in India, they call the Crait Snake the "two-step" snake. Do you know why?
I'm going to try to start a Pen Pal club. I think I've figured out how to get the mail to work. I can mail the letters in a town about 45 minutes away.
Do any of you have pictures of yourselves I could share with my classes?
Thanks for your interest in India. There are many, many good things about India, but most of all, the people are wonderful and the children are just like YOU - with just a few minor differences. You would all be the best of friends.