Forget the Taj Mahal. Forget bathing three times in the Ganges River. You aren't going there. Your travel in India will be confined to the little villages and dirt roads of rural India.
1. Please stop by your local bookstore and pick up the 1,500 page illustrated book entitled "Dangerous Snakes of India". Memorize this book. After your lengthy stay in India has completely emptied your brain of logic and good sense, you will be out in the dead of night with one other equally deranged person. You will be looking in the bushes with a tiny flashlight for snakes. You're going to want to know what it is that just slithered over your foot. There are lots of possibilities. If you're packing the actual book, it may come in handy as a weapon. Drop it. Run for your life for about a mile. Stop. Laugh. Go back for the book. And whatever is under it that you just killed.
2. You are going to get deathly ill in India. Count on it. You only think you're invincible. You're not. You WILL end up in a ball on a bathroom floor. At this point, whatever swear words you may be thinking, are perfectly acceptable. Just try not to say "Holy Cow, I'm sick." H-I-N-D-U-S. Sh-h-h-h.
3. As a corollary to #2, you will feel an increased desire to repent of all your past deeds including swearing. You will want to repent for any future mis-deeds you even thought of committing in an effort to strike a bargain with God which goes something like this: "I, (your full name here), swear upon my 1,500 page "Dangerous Snakes of India", that if I miraculously survive (insert hourly death defying experience here), that I will never (insert latest sin and weakness here). Think stuff up if your bad habits aren't bad enough. You've got to get God's attention.
4. Men are going to stare. Stare back. Walk into ditches, doorposts, vehicles, and off of steep cliffs and stairs. Hold that stare. This will require practice. So many men are staring, you will have to be selective. Choose the one without a mustache. Refine your staring technique. Learn to gracefully exit that sewage drainage ditch you just fell into while holding the stare. Work it. Looking isn't free.
5. Never try to 'guess' what it is that you may be eating. It's red rice. Pretending that you don't know it's red rice will only lead you down the path of delusion, illusion, and delirium. Guessing is the first step. You KNOW it's red 'gravel' rice. What's that you said? "Where's the Indian cuisine?" You, my friend, have taken the first step into delusion. Bon Apetite.
6. You will wear 'modest' clothes that make Charlie Chaplin look like a fashion statement. Your pants look like two flour sacks with a waist. Your top will not even be in the same orbit as your pants. India is in love with color. Any color, in any combination, in any style. You're not seeing things. You really are wearing a red and purple striped top with orange pants. Super! Super!
7. Never ask anyone for directions to anywhere. There is a fine possibility that you could find yourself in the middle of an Indian 'cemetery'. If bad directions lead you to a dirt road careening off into nowhere, suppress your natural tendencies to explore. If there are flowers strewn along the road, GO BACK. You are entering a burn area. And I don't mean wood.
8. Never get a ride one-way into 'town'. You're going to be hiking five miles back home. There will be buses full of men. Rickshaws full of men. Bicycles with men pedaling. Motorcycles with men. NONE of these drivers are interested in the safety of pedestrians. Please see step #4.
From your Lonely Planet travel guide, this is a work in progress. Stay tuned.
1. Please stop by your local bookstore and pick up the 1,500 page illustrated book entitled "Dangerous Snakes of India". Memorize this book. After your lengthy stay in India has completely emptied your brain of logic and good sense, you will be out in the dead of night with one other equally deranged person. You will be looking in the bushes with a tiny flashlight for snakes. You're going to want to know what it is that just slithered over your foot. There are lots of possibilities. If you're packing the actual book, it may come in handy as a weapon. Drop it. Run for your life for about a mile. Stop. Laugh. Go back for the book. And whatever is under it that you just killed.
2. You are going to get deathly ill in India. Count on it. You only think you're invincible. You're not. You WILL end up in a ball on a bathroom floor. At this point, whatever swear words you may be thinking, are perfectly acceptable. Just try not to say "Holy Cow, I'm sick." H-I-N-D-U-S. Sh-h-h-h.
3. As a corollary to #2, you will feel an increased desire to repent of all your past deeds including swearing. You will want to repent for any future mis-deeds you even thought of committing in an effort to strike a bargain with God which goes something like this: "I, (your full name here), swear upon my 1,500 page "Dangerous Snakes of India", that if I miraculously survive (insert hourly death defying experience here), that I will never (insert latest sin and weakness here). Think stuff up if your bad habits aren't bad enough. You've got to get God's attention.
4. Men are going to stare. Stare back. Walk into ditches, doorposts, vehicles, and off of steep cliffs and stairs. Hold that stare. This will require practice. So many men are staring, you will have to be selective. Choose the one without a mustache. Refine your staring technique. Learn to gracefully exit that sewage drainage ditch you just fell into while holding the stare. Work it. Looking isn't free.
5. Never try to 'guess' what it is that you may be eating. It's red rice. Pretending that you don't know it's red rice will only lead you down the path of delusion, illusion, and delirium. Guessing is the first step. You KNOW it's red 'gravel' rice. What's that you said? "Where's the Indian cuisine?" You, my friend, have taken the first step into delusion. Bon Apetite.
6. You will wear 'modest' clothes that make Charlie Chaplin look like a fashion statement. Your pants look like two flour sacks with a waist. Your top will not even be in the same orbit as your pants. India is in love with color. Any color, in any combination, in any style. You're not seeing things. You really are wearing a red and purple striped top with orange pants. Super! Super!
7. Never ask anyone for directions to anywhere. There is a fine possibility that you could find yourself in the middle of an Indian 'cemetery'. If bad directions lead you to a dirt road careening off into nowhere, suppress your natural tendencies to explore. If there are flowers strewn along the road, GO BACK. You are entering a burn area. And I don't mean wood.
8. Never get a ride one-way into 'town'. You're going to be hiking five miles back home. There will be buses full of men. Rickshaws full of men. Bicycles with men pedaling. Motorcycles with men. NONE of these drivers are interested in the safety of pedestrians. Please see step #4.
From your Lonely Planet travel guide, this is a work in progress. Stay tuned.
16 more days. 16 more days. 16 more days. I will remain calm. I will not freak out...
ReplyDeleteIs this how you felt while I was traveling the world? Because, if getting even is what you set out to accomplish, YOU'VE WON.
Heh-Heh-Heh.
DeleteAbsolutely love it.... Not what has happened TO you of course. But I really think you could sell this and many would buy:)
ReplyDeleteI was so agreeing with Three's Company the whole time I was reading this. I hope when you get home you will sequester yourself (to protect us from all the heebie jeebie germs you'll bring back if nothing else hahahaha) and WRITE A BOOK. Or at least the outline of one. While it's fresh in your mind. I'm not kidding. This is so funny!! And my respect for you and what you've done goes up every time I read one of your blog entries. I'm not given to gushing praise (as you might notice from my facebook page) but Betty, you are one of my heroines. Stay safe! Love, B
ReplyDeleteO.K. it is agreed by many that you MUST write a book...tell us everything....Bethany is right....AFTER you wake up from sleeping in your OWN bed for a week...get up and start your book. I have to say that you just crack me up...I loved reading this post...I can actually see you doing ALL these things...
ReplyDeletelove you,
di