Occasionally, we can hear drums in the village. I'm not sure what the meaning of it might be. I'm sure it has something to do with religious worship of some kind. Once in awhile, there are loudspeakers with very loud voices. I know it's an irrational thought, but I hope the villagers aren't stirring things up for a good murder spree. On second thought, I would gladly push the Principal out in front and say, "Here, take her."
It's the first time in my life that I have been marching to a different drummer and actually heard real drums. It's comforting. Kind of. But lonely.
I'm discouraged tonight. Is that okay? All that I have done while I've been here will come to nothing. I know that my time away from home and family has been wasted on an organization that, like India, is drunk on visions of its own grandeur. The Board has fired the Program Director, a man who loves this place and who is my friend. That leaves the Principal in charge. This is not good. She is filled with resentment toward me because I temporarily held her feet to the fire. But it was only temporary.
I'm sad tonight. No comedy. No sarcastic humor. I feel alone and friendless. I have failed.
36 days to go. I will never forget the wonderful Indian people. We have been in cahoots against the "American Raj" almost since the day I got here. India was governed for nearly 200 years by the British Raj. These past few days as I have watched an elite group of Americans assume that they know what's best for India and India's people, I couldn't help but reflect that things haven't changed much for India. Now, the "Raj" is American NGOs' like the one I have been teaching for. Indians are still at the beck and call of another country. They still work long, hard hours for next to nothing for 'handlers' from a distant, foreign land. My philosophy is so opposed to the one that governs this enterprise that I hardly know where to begin. So I won't.
I'm not making much sense tonight. Tonight for the first time, My family and I considered my coming home early. They have been so supportive, but not of what has happened here during the past few days. My head is swirling and I'm tired. How will I ever summon the courage to say 'good-bye' to friends, knowing that I did little to improve their circumstances? Like them, I worked, and I was at the mercy of the American Raj. I feel ashamed. I let myself be used. I will leave no footprints when I go.
I hear a different drummer. And I'm glad. Sometimes it's worth the loneliness.
It's the first time in my life that I have been marching to a different drummer and actually heard real drums. It's comforting. Kind of. But lonely.
I'm discouraged tonight. Is that okay? All that I have done while I've been here will come to nothing. I know that my time away from home and family has been wasted on an organization that, like India, is drunk on visions of its own grandeur. The Board has fired the Program Director, a man who loves this place and who is my friend. That leaves the Principal in charge. This is not good. She is filled with resentment toward me because I temporarily held her feet to the fire. But it was only temporary.
I'm sad tonight. No comedy. No sarcastic humor. I feel alone and friendless. I have failed.
36 days to go. I will never forget the wonderful Indian people. We have been in cahoots against the "American Raj" almost since the day I got here. India was governed for nearly 200 years by the British Raj. These past few days as I have watched an elite group of Americans assume that they know what's best for India and India's people, I couldn't help but reflect that things haven't changed much for India. Now, the "Raj" is American NGOs' like the one I have been teaching for. Indians are still at the beck and call of another country. They still work long, hard hours for next to nothing for 'handlers' from a distant, foreign land. My philosophy is so opposed to the one that governs this enterprise that I hardly know where to begin. So I won't.
I'm not making much sense tonight. Tonight for the first time, My family and I considered my coming home early. They have been so supportive, but not of what has happened here during the past few days. My head is swirling and I'm tired. How will I ever summon the courage to say 'good-bye' to friends, knowing that I did little to improve their circumstances? Like them, I worked, and I was at the mercy of the American Raj. I feel ashamed. I let myself be used. I will leave no footprints when I go.
I hear a different drummer. And I'm glad. Sometimes it's worth the loneliness.
:(
ReplyDeleteSuch a poignant account of how things are over there. I don't think you should consider yourself a failure though. If you'd known ahead of time exactly how things were, would you have stayed home? Perhaps your goals were unrealistic but how can you blame yourself for that? You could only find out how bad (and good) things are there by going there yourself. Just because you're a force for good doesn't mean you will triumph. You might if you stayed for years or decades, instead of months. Maybe you could think of one thing you could accomplish in the time you have left and only focus on that one thing. It's no small thing to make ONE CHANGE in a place. I think you've already enriched some lives just by being there. They will have memories of you just like you'll have memories of them. That's no small thing either.
ReplyDeleteSo the American board members are arrogant, so their organization is doomed to failure because they are more concerned about show than they are about teaching. You don't need to own their failures. YOU will leave your own, unique footprint regardless of the situation with the organization. You will leave your footprint with the friends you have made, with Venilla, and most importantly, with those sweet little kids. Remember the blessing your dad gave you. :-) YOU CAN DO IT, MOM!
ReplyDeleteWhat KT said...
DeleteIf Katie and Sally think I can do it, I can. Thanks, Bethany.
DeleteNEVER say you have not made a difference...you have...Betty you did not go to change a system, you went to change individual lives of children...and you DID!!!!! I believe that change in this world does not come through "organizations", it comes through touching other souls...one at a time...love to you and many, many prayers... diane
ReplyDeleteI love you, my forever 'unknown' friend. You have enriched my life in remarkable ways and you continue to do so. Whenever I think of sheer love of creativity and art, I always think of you. When I get home, we are going to build the best chicken coop EVER!
DeleteBetty, I worked with the young men's program for 27 years while I was in Oregon, including a couple of your's if I remember correctly. Sometime the gains/successes from working with these boys came years later. I suspect it is the same here. You have made a difference. Maybe not to the extent you expected now, but I am positive your efforts have not gone unnoticed. You need to think stategically and not view this tactical change as the big picture. I am proud of you!
ReplyDeleteGarth - your influence was HUGE in the lives of both of my boys. Thanks for the perspective. I needed that.
DeleteBetty, Betty, Betty...I can relate to your feelings of discouragment when your heart was so good, caring and wanting so much to make a difference in under-appreciated, underloved people's lives. I can relate because I have had similiar feelings over the years, with the family we were "led" to adopt and my oft feelings of failure, of not making much of a difference, discouragment, sadness at some of their choices, etc. However, as challenging as it has been, it's HF who has assured me that He approves and appreciates all my sacrifices and efforts. He has told me not to expect appreciation from some of these kids, but to look UP to Him. Your service has enriched many people's lives, especially the Indians and all of your friends who are followers of this blog. Never underestimate the power of your influence, if the Lord wants you to stay, then stay, only He knows what's best for you and where you can be the most service to Him. Hugs to you and bless your aching heart!!
ReplyDeleteThe understanding, compassion, and support of my friends has sustained me through some rough moments and several long nights, Kris. I hear your own heartache and I'm sending you all the warm, supportive wishes that I can muster. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there. I never knew I relied so heavily on so many and that my life was so full of faithful, loving friends. From 11,000 miles, I send everyone my "handsome thanks".
DeleteI don't think you are a failure, and deep down I think you know it too. Do you think the children and the maids and workers will ever forget that American woman who didn't look down her nose at them? In a world where they are taught that they are nothing, do you think they will ever forget someone who treated them like they were valuable? You make footprints with every smile and with every moment you take to show them that you care. You may not see that now, but when it comes to making a difference in someone's life, time is required.
ReplyDeleteI second KT's comment - don't take responsibility for THEIR failures. Your satisfaction will come from doing all you can to make a difference, even if it's only with one person.
Matthew - thank you. So much. I needed to hear that. Especially from my wonderful son. There is a place in my heart that belongs only to you.
DeleteI'm sorry you are going through such a discouraging time ----- to say the least. I can't believe the conditions you've put up with in order to love and teach these beautiful children. You will never be forgotten. I can't wait to meet you. I'm so glad to have gotten to know you through facebook & now your blog. This entry is probably the most revealing of who you really are. You are good through and through. There are not many people who have made a difference in the world as you have.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouraging comments! I know that I do take a chance when I blog, but I just write it and throw it out there hoping and knowing that my friends will "with the breath of kindness blow the chaff away." I'm glad that we're friends, too! I married into the best family in the world. As you know, Mike is unmatched in his goodness and kindness. What I do here, I do for both of us. I can be caustic, crotchety, cranky, critical, and cutting. I try to keep it under control, but it does manifest itself all too often. Thanks for your understanding heart. I am indeed blessed to know you, too. Like all the Johnsons, you have always represented goodness and kindness. My proudest achievement is that I added four wonderful children to that gene pool who are more like their father than their mother. I'm relieved. ;) Have a wonderful day!
ReplyDeleteOkay I just have to comment here about American education. We in this country do not have the greatest education system. In fact it is down right pitiful! Other students from other countries run circles around our students. So for Americans to go to another country and think they have all the answers is ludicrous.
ReplyDeleteUGH!!!